Rules of Civility
The Rules of Civility discussed on Getting Wisdom are Myron’s reflections on manners, character, and social conduct, inspired largely by George Washington’s famous Rules of Civility and Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation. As a young man, Washington copied 110 maxims on respectful behavior in society, drawn from earlier European etiquette manuals and emphasizing courtesy, restraint, and consideration for others.
01
To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. To keep my head when all about me are losing theirs and blaming it on me. To trust myself when all men doubt me, but make allowance for their doubting too.
02
03
To draw praise of God into conversations when fitting. To make all my friends feel that there is something in them. To assure that all men count with me, but none too much. To look cheerful, especially when with strangers. Not to speak of doleful things in a time of mirth or at the table; not to speak of melancholy things as death and wounds, and if others mention them to change the discourse if I can, since good humor makes a meal into a feast.
04
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
05
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
06
To avoid criticizing others. In a time of advising or reprimanding others, to consider whether it ought to be in public or in private; and to be temperate always in the reprimand. To assure that when I reprove another, I am unblameable myself; for example is more prevalent than precepts. To take all admonitions thankfully in whatever time or place they are given, but if not culpable, then afterwards take a time and place convenient to let him know it that gave the admonitions. To reproach none for the infirmities of nature, nor delight to put them that have them in mind thereof. Not to play the doctor when visiting the sick. Not to stare at the marks or blemishes of others, nor ask not how they got there. Not to not blame a man who does not succeed at an effort when he has done all he can do. Not to show myself glad at the misfortune of another though he were my enemy. When I see a crime punished, though I may be inwardly pleased; to always show pity to the suffering offender. Not to be quick to believe rumors to the disparagement of anyone. Not to speak evil of people behind their backs. Not to make comparisons between people, and if someone commends a member of my company for a brave act of virtue, don’t commend another for the same act. Not to give advice without being asked, and even then, to be brief; not to reprehend others for their imperfections, as that should be done by parents, masters and superiors.
07
To commit that every action done in company be done with some sign of respect to those that are present. Further, in writing or speaking to give to every person his due title according to his degree and the custom of the place. To treat those in higher social position such that I do not speak until I am asked a question, and then to answer in few words.
08
To give open seats to the last comer. Not to turn my back to others, especially in speaking. To stand if anyone comes to speak to me while I am sitting. When presenting seats, let it be to everyone according to his degree. To walk on the left of groups in formal settings. Not to speak or approach people too closely. Don’t accept lodging trades from others until after one refusal, then accept. Not to point my finger at someone I am talking to, nor get too close to him, especially to his face. Not to touch my face, stroke my beard, nor bite my lips, nor engage in any irritating facial expressions or ticks. To keep feet flat on the ground, and not cross my legs. Avoid fiddling with objects. Not to drink nor talk with my mouth full; neither look around while drinking. To still be attentive to others while silently chewing. Not to eat in the streets, nor in the house, out of season.
09
To keep clean in body, clothes and habitation without looking vain. Not to look too good, nor talk too wise.
10
Not to flatter, nor amuse those who don’t want to be amused. To avoid extra compliments and ceremony but give them when appropriate. To be affable, courteous and not arrogant to those of low station, but to be respectful and honorable to those of higher station. Never to express anything unbecoming. Not to be difficult but friendly; to be the first to acknowledge others, to hear and answer and not to be pensive when it’s a time to converse. Not to detract from others, neither to be excessive in commanding.
11
To read no letters, books, or papers in company, nor to check my phone while I’m talking to someone. But when there is a necessity for the doing of it, to ask leave. Not to be distracted by multiple electronic notifications.
12
To come not near the books or writings of another so as to read them unless desired or give my opinion of them unasked. Not to be curious to know the affairs of others and not to approach those that speak in private. Not to go to places where I do not know whether I will be welcome.
13
To let my countenance be pleasant but in serious matters somewhat grave. To not laugh too loud or too much at any public spectacle. To let my ceremonies in courtesy be proper to the dignity of my place with whom I converse, for it is absurd to act the same with a clown and a prince. To not express joy before one sick or in pain for that contrary passion will aggravate his misery. Not to mock nor jest at anything of importance; not to jest in ways that are that are sharp or biting and if I deliver anything witty and pleasant to abstain from laughing at myself. Not to utter base and frivolous things amongst grave and learned men, nor very difficult questions or subjects among the ignorant, or things hard to be believed, nor stuff my discourse with sentences amongst my betters and equals.